“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?