“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
You Might Also Like
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
how to market bottled water to dads
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*