Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles