*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
any last words?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal