Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
LOL!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”