My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Okay
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.