Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip