One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
technically true but not a great slogan
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose