This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The only equipped I am is ill.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.