[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.