I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.