My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap