*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Lmfaoooooo
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.