Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
CRYING
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever