Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m sorry…what?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Friday
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
‘I know a black person’
– White people
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox