Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
O Wise One….
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.