I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
You Might Also Like
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked