We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Yes my dude
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
bugs when you lift up a rock
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?