A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
for all #parents out there
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I’m sure it’s fine.
This dude got his own movie?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this