You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Are you ok, human???