My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
law suits: quality garments for lawyers