*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month