BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl