My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My beach vacation Google searches
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one