[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
You Might Also Like
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*launders Kohls cash*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…