Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?