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ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.