We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
is this how new cars are made??
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]