Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
That 👊
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll