Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
New mindset, who dis?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
oh good, now I can stop drinking
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
That 👊