My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.