Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?