Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Bloody internet 😳
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
what the hell pray for carter everyone
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!