WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
<- sleeps well with others
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
the three branches of government
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Woke up against my better judgment again