Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.