Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Welcome to the stomach
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
scares
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!