I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.