I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
True statement👍😏😁
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.