How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes