If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”