Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
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Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.