*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”