Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!