the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Perfection.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Generation gap…
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.