8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You Might Also Like
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
What a chick magnet..
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Your honor these allegations are
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.