[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Risking my life for fun.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”