A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you