Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Guantanamo Bae
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Eat…
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson