I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.