Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.